Well guys/gals,
This blog is a little different today. I was invaded by a Facebook memory (on this day) post:
“The only man to ever break my heart was my father. I lived to make sure no man ever did that to me again. But then the man that broke my heart somehow mended it. Not by doing anything in particular but by allowing me to see his imperfections, but yet his love for me. I am a reflection of him as I too have made mistakes. Still I loved everyone that I hurt. My heart is open today to love because my perception has changed. Christ has shown me through relationship that He can use, love, embrace, and care for an imperfect person….Me. So who am I not to? #hurtpeoplehurtpeople#changedpeoplechangepeople #mended #healed #loved #movingforward#igetitnow #relieved #released #renewed #iamfree”
I wrote this 5 years ago to date. Struggling to deal with and resolve the issues that I have with my father. I could not understand how someone that created me naturally and then gave me his name didn’t want to love me. This perception that I had of my father as a child followed me into adulthood. It was actually destroying a part of me that longed to be loved by my father. As I sat and waited for him to show up for me and felt the disappointment when he didn’t something in me created a barrier. A wall...A false determination to never let a man cause me to feel that type of pain ever again.
Was I wrong? I had every right to feel what I was feeling because my pain was real. However, what I did not consider in this emotional distress was my selfishness and unwillingness to examine who I had become. As a child I was innocent; but as an adult I became predatory. A spirit of resentment grew in me that kept me from realizing God’s love and His desire to be what I desperately lacked: a father.
When I allowed myself to grow in God and allowed Him to love me, I noticed attributes about Him that I desired in my father. I could see Him at work as my protector, as my provider, as my comforter as my guide. But what I could also see as a daughter was my disobedience, my rebelliousness, my imperfections, my error...but yet He still loved me. I expected Him to!!
What I did not realize is that I had become what I resented. Someone that did what they wanted with no regard to the one who longed to be loved by me, communication and a relationship with. In my relationship with God I had become my father! And at this revelation I began to plead for forgiveness and another chance to love the right way. The way 1 Corinthians 13 teaches us. I began to see my imperfections and began to embrace my father through my Father.
5 years later, my relationship with my father is not where I desire it to be but it’s not where it was. Why? All because I made a decision to love my father through the eyes of my Father. His flaws, his imperfections, his inconsistencies…I am a reflection of him. So when I feel these things and these emotions began to fester naturally I began to ask God to forgive me of my flaws, my imperfections and to mend my heart through it. Because I am never alone! God is always with me. He has always been my Father. [Psalm 27:10] And my Dad….my natural father has been chosen by God to be just that. I have to trust God’s purpose over my plans!
Testimony:
I had a vacation planned this year. My money was weird. I didn’t feel like I could expect anything from my father but he came through for me. Not once but twice. I have spoken to him more this year than I have in a long time. We don’t speak every day. However, I trust God’s purpose. The freedom that I feel is in my heart. I am free to love and to be loved...because I am committed to the process and I trust that the relationship is in the process of restoration and it’s all because of His Name Sake...Stay tuned!
